Ok it will get a little personal, so if you're not into that sort of honesty, you might skip directly to my visual art. It applies at any time. I know I tend to overshare and as landscapes of my reality remain gloomy on the inside and projects on how I see the world. Worry not, I do not associate dark beauty directly with depression, however there must be some link. It doesn't mean one does have to be depressed or even worse - a negative person - to appreciate dark aesthetics. Or the other way around. I do think, however, that people who know the darker side of life naturally appreciate and find peace within shadows. The more we mature and learn, the more we realize it's perfectly fine and safe to crawl out of the shadows and experiment, appreciate other styles of art, aesthetics, etc, etc. Personally I don't mind a glitter pooping unicorn from time to time. Someone asked me once, was I always dark or something happened, as if a normal person shouldn't be attracted to skulls, darkness and gothic. Anyway, that's not what I wanted to write about at all. I haven't been feeling well and I think the words that come out of me represent this inner chaos.
I had quite a wonderful time since my last trip to London. Things were going well and I was in peace. I started noticing negative patterns around me and manage to stay away from them and incorporate some healthy habits. I started new routines, I was eating healthy, meditating and getting on with my ambitious plans. I knew that there are two main directions in my life. One is art, another is human mind. I want to find a way to build my life around them, also professionally.
I felt strong and something very close to happy. I felt so confident I engaged into an ongoing conversation with someone once very close to me. He was experiencing some sad times of hard realizations and the need for change. I was there for him, like I promised long time ago, thinking I overcome personal attachment and am just helping a fellow traveler. I was wrong. I was enjoying the conversations and I was happy to help and feel useful. Certain kind of person just loves this kind of thing. But be careful, if you love to give and give of yourself, you can be sure there will be people ready to take and take from you. It was very hard to see the said person struggling, but I was hopeful and glad to see some changes in the way he was thinking. I could be only a little sad that it wasn't a while earlier. But who am I to determine someone's path.
As the year was coming to and end and Xmas approaching, I started feeling more tired and drained. I've noticed warning signs just a little too late. Xmas being a particularly hard time for me, I began to feel down and lonely. I kept pretending I'm ok with providing day to day support and advice. In a way I wanted to, but I thought that I might be investing myself a little bit too much into someone else's story, I started missing that person in my life, in a friendly way, and since that appeared to be mutual I was looking forward to meeting up in couple of months - something I wasn't particularly asking for, but I was happy since he hinted couple of times and expressed such possibility.
Then suddenly, right after New Year's Eve, couple of polite words and dead silence. I started to worry but my intuition told me it's about us talking. Finally I called, what's up? I was feeling sad myself and could use a little bit of support from someone who was praising my help just couple of days ago and who knew me very, very well. He decided it is not good to talk and changed his mind about seeing me. Not the first time I fell led on and abandoned in my lowest. Part of me wants to be understanding - as always, seeing the situation from different perspectives, feeling (of course!) guilty and beating myself up for being selfish. How could I expect someone to be there for me when they were feeling so low with their own struggles? Hang on, just let it sink...The other part was feeling humiliated, betrayed, manipulated. It was not a therapeutic situation. I was a friend. I kept my word. He couldn't do the same. It hurt.
I was triggered to say the least, facing what was in my eyes such an obvious injustice. Since I recognized such a drastic withdrawal of attention and change of direction, it left me thinking whether it wasn't done on purpose. It made me question the whole time I thought I knew that person. I might be wrong of course, I always take into consideration the dance o projection. Was he an evil person or just a broken person? Was he trying to hurt me or was he lacking integrity? It is of little importance now, however I always wish I knew the truth. The truth in general, regarding all the dynamics I came across in my life.
Of course, I am only brushing the surface of things. I am but no any means a saint and my goal is not to play the blame game. I know that in certain circumstances there is a monster coming out of me and I react in ways that make me not like myself afterwards. The thing is, sometimes that's exactly what the other person wants and works hard to achieve it. The moment you show your nasty side, the attention is directed towards you. You become the problem.
I exploded with reactions that were beneath me. I transported myself in a different time and place, as if I didn't know better. I fell into black hole where I was abandoned and left to die and I would do everything to get back to the light that I thought I've seen long time ago. I was completely off balance, my depression, anxiety and eating disorder came knocking and brought me to the ground. I was fighting to get my routines back in place but I was waking up every day wanting to disappear. I slept all day, anxious at night, getting nothing done and just dragging myself through the days.
I knew that all this had little to do with that person and that situation. It had all to do with my personal issues and faulty imprints that maybe once upon a time helped me survived but are no longer valid. Oh no, is that where we're at YET AGAIN? I thought we've done that already. Apparently not. It makes me feel helpless at times as I didn't think there were any past issues that I didn't shed the light on, worked through and overcome. But here we are. I ask myself what else can I DO? Some people say that the awareness alone can be healing. Hmm... I am not sure if I subscribe to that philosophy. Some other people say I overthink. In this case I would have it already figured out and more. So what's the deal here?
I feel like I have to go back to drawing board. Dig into old software and do some updates. Take care of my health more so when it's hard - it's easy to take care of yourself when everything is just fine, but it's more important to keep going when you really need that strength and support. Self care is also knowing when to be disciplined for your own good.
I always feel like Im writing backwards, cause when the things are happening Im either too busy or too tired to do anything about it so I spend a lot of time in the past. I write a lot in retrospective, analyzing or taking inspiration from my own life. I know its not good to live too much in the past but I treat it like my astral Attic. I don't want to move in but I love to go there and treasure hunt. Every now and then something you find will make you cry but most of the time it will be exciting and moving.
So this whole January thing sucked big time. Im slowly crawling back from the hole and getting back into creative process. Sleeping better, detoxing and working out. I even started running again. I do this sometimes through tears and every now and then I break down but I pick myself back up and carry on. I hope you stay with me as I make 2018 the year of the content. xx