I am not afraid of death. Not the death itself. I am afraid of the time passing. I am afraid of not living a life. I am afraid of not seeing all the things I wanted to see. Not experiencing what I wanted to experience. Not creating enough, not leaving a mark, not making a positive difference in the lives of people around me. I am afraid of sleeping too long and letting the days pass me by.
When I was a kid, I used to think all the bad things always happen to other people. Not to my family, we lived in a bubble. Then bad things started happening. A little too early for me to understand that it was in fact life, that the bubble was an illusion and there was plenty of other things before that also weren't supposed to happen but I accepted it as part of the bubbleland.
When I was maybe 8, I had an obsession with knowledge. I would surround myself with illustrated books and imagine I'm soaking the knowledge of the universe. Funny enough, I remember very well a little illustrated Bible right next to the books about Cosmos and dinosaurs. I would ask uncomfortable questions from the early age, irritating priests at school and yet engaging in catholic rituals probably more than anyone in my family. Perhaps apart from my grandma, she would love praying to Virgin Mary but being a very toxic person she wasn't convincing to me. Anyway, I was smart and wanted to know everything. I was curious and thoughtful.
When I was a kid, I read an Alchemist. At the time it was a really important book for me. It felt close to heart. I was reading many biographies of geniuses and I wanted to become one when I grow up. I was always interested in everything and had many ideas on what I could possibly become. The idea of renaissance man was very appealing to me, not having to choose one specialty but being driven by unquenched thirst for knowledge and human experience. Art and Science. God and Magick. There was enough place for all these ideas.
Through the years the fear crept in. I was strangely aware of death my entire life. I knew my time here is limited and my plans and desires could easily fill 5 separate lives. On the top of that I allowed others put their fears on me and I became paralysed, afraid of making the wrong decision. I felt a lot of pressure, without much space to experiment in my young age. I grew frustrated, not trusting my own choices. I knew I should follow my heart, in the end it seemed that it's the only thing I knew how to do. But first, I had to face the lessons that were planned for me.
The lessons that would prepare me for further journey, to deepen my understanding of myself and world around me. These were painful and expensive lessons but they helped me to become who I am now.
One of the hardest things to acknowledge in life is when we realise that the time has been stolen from us. Even worse is to accept that we were in power to stop that from happening but we chose not to. Then there is time we spend crying over it. Regretting, resenting, self hating. Why did this happen to me? Why did I allow this happen to me? There are situations into which we have been forced. Maybe manipulated. Other, in which we made a wrong choice. We end up losing even more time on feelings that don't serve us. Then perhaps we waste more trying to change the past. Then we realise what is happening and we hate ourselves for doing it. So we are busy doing that instead of MOVING ON. It is hard to break free because it is familiar. It feels like home, we've done this already. Freedom can be scary.
If I let go, what am I?
I tend to spend a lot of time in the past. Learning not to be it's slave. It requires a leap of courage. Sometimes I need a little shake to face inevitability of death and regain my sense of urgency when it comes to life. Does it really matter? Do I really have to live my life as a payment for past mistakes? Do I have to fix all my mistakes? What are mistakes? Am I thinking I will be more loveable if I fix this? Is this really important? Sometimes I wish I could be born this flawless human that makes no mistakes and fully uses all the available sources to achieve their true potential with zero energy loss. But it's a process, that's what life is. The loss of energy is inevitable in this realm. We aim for the most optimal process and that's what I believe is the part of magick, to use and focus all the available resources in service to Will.
And perhaps we are born with the sense of Will, then we lose it, learning all the skills necessary to survive in this world and then we have to find it again.
So therefore I let go. I wasted so much money on shit I didn't need. I gave away my time and resources. I wasted time with people who didn't deserve it for the shiny trinkets, the illusion of love. I bought and ate food that didn't nourish my body. I was suffering from regret. I gave myself sickness, I made myself sick. I slept through the days that were the biggest gift, the gift of life. I gave attention to things that don't matter. I spent hours, days, months, scrolling down the timelines of social media looking for something that would save me. I felt so much guilt, one of the most deadly feelings that exist. I let negativity enter my mind and fear to dictate my actions. I carried the burdens of others. I carried so much shit, that was not mine. All this, to learn. All this mud, shit, the sewers of my own mind, it all has a place in the adventure that is the human condition. It is not good, it is not bad. Once you understand it, you can choose. How you manage your energy and your resources either brings you closer to your Will, or holds you back. No guilt, just energy.
To be continued...