Patience is not my biggest virtue. Security is not my highest value. I am all for Truth and Freedom and they are not always comfortable. They sure don't like to wait.
Right now I feel a little stagnant. The calm before the storm? I feel hazy, the Sun is too bright and the air is heavy with anticipation. I stay up all night, running away from the noise and distractions of the day. It's a little colder now but I keep a fan on. I drink so much water as if I was to transform myself into a river. How lovely it would be to go for a swim right now. In the dark of the night. Can you think of anything else you could possibly need right now? I can't sleep and keep plotting till early morning hours when I finally give up and lay down to sleep. Sleeping on my back helps me remember my dreams better. I know I keep a second life there, but I forget most of it upon waking. I'm trying to make myself remember more but the feelings I recall are so subtle I fear only talking about it will scare them away. Recently the dreams started coming back to me during meditation, vividly enough to think they will stay in my memory. Unfortunately, they are gone before I sit down to write them down.
I feel like I should make some bold steps, some changes but I'm not sure what exactly would that be. I made some really interesting decisions in the past pushed by anger and impatience. Just like my trip to Llandudno. If only for this reason I will never see anger as something inherently bad. I see it as a fire that ignites and brings life. It sets boundaries. Like every force of nature it can bring destruction if not treated with care and respect. It will share its warmth and light until you dare to think you own and rule it, that's where you take an eye off it for a second and it burns your house down and all you love ends up in the ashes. Respect your fire. Respect your anger.
Some moves led to my growth and enriched my life experience, others were a little foolish and caused me trouble. I have a history of impulsive adventures that in some ways were teaching me a lot, but also caused some setbacks - I had to start from the beginning many times. I had to make the same mistake more than once. I don't want to have to start from zero anymore, I want to build. Built on my experience and lay my mistakes like bricks. But what's the next step? I need something messy, something wild. Something very much alive. I am content but I know there is more. I always knew and that awareness was the source of my strength and my despair. I know there is an unused creative potential within me. I see there is still many resources i can use right here, where I am now, but isn't that an excuse for not reaching out into the unknown territory? I am not an advocate of simple life. The unambitious life. The one in which you don't ask yourself questions, you don't doubt, you let the sun burn your skin, you call it a tan and hold all the answers in a bottle of beer. People like this used to irritate me. How much wasted human potential. How can you live like that, how is it even possible? Now I don't pay much attention to how others live their lives. What interests me more is how i live mine. The more I learn, the more I know that there is indeed magic in simplicity, but the road has to be traveled to led us to the very place where we started. The wheel has to turn. The journey has to be made. There is no use of Treasure in foolish hands.
I always wanted to travel, that's something I was missing till not so long ago, when I decided to take some chances and go on adventures. I feel alive changing the environment, if even for a day. Sometimes you don't need to go far to feel the call of adventure. I did a lot of running away in my life. But wherever I went, I took myself with me. And with me my past and my wounds. For the first time in my life perhaps I don't feel like running away and I love the life I have. I love the place and the city where I live. Yet still I know it is not over, it's only a stop on the road. That one day I will have to pick up my things and go, again, go into the unknown. There is so much growing up to do, still.
I would like to have a better idea of what my next brave move should be. I make art. I learn new things. I share what I know and carry on creating. I connect with people. What am I missing? There are things I want to try and I'm still wrestling with myself over them. I know will never be ready just like I was never ready for any of my great ideas that somehow always worked out. You can wait all your life to be ready and then meet death. Something none of us is ready for. Right? What worries me is that these ideas could potentially change my life or...do nothing, in which case I don't have any more ideas. Maybe they have to be released to give space for something I am not yet aware of? Something big is cooking behind the scenes. I need a sign. Or even better...I have to act before the sign shows up.
The weirdest feeling when you shed all the lies, or sou you'd like to think, you're looking for substance and you feel good, so good, almost great. You float through space, you don't recognize the boundaries between you and the rest of the universe, you're your own hero, your own savior. And suddenly your ego takes the wheel, panicking and the world comes crushing down on you to remind you you're just a worm trapped in a material reality and there is nothing you can do about it.
Sometimes, inadvertently, I start looking for the answers in the past. Is there a cellar i still need to clean? Some memory boxes to go through? Are there some forgotten dusty dreams that need to be given a new life? Sometimes I worry I spend too much time in the past. So much, one day I might not come back. The memories, I feel them so close, I could touch them. It's like they are still here, just under the surface of time and space. I can bring the shadows of the past back to life.I can make it all hurt like yesterday. I know I need to protect myself from the old ghosts who feed on my melancholy. They lure you with their familiar whispers and invite you to come closer. The sweet faces soon turn nasty and you find yourself bound down, their long fingers ripping apart the old wounds. Let's turn away. We don't need to see them today.
I can't remember what I was looking for this time. I read old emails, I looked at some photos. One especially struck me. It was maybe 7 years ago. I just cut my hair and it was a mistake I will never make again. I was chubby and unhappy. My skin was bad and I looked like I haven't slept for a week. I think I was still smoking at the time. I must have just started looking for help. Soon after I would lose my beloved dog, who always used to make me smile, during the hardest of times. He was the only friend I would have for months while trying to get back to myself. My eyes were so sad and full of pain I couldn't help but cry for a moment. For all the times when I was made believe that it was all my fault. How many of us? It wasn't even the last time. There was more dark hours to come. I am not ready to talk about it yet, first you need to get to know me better.
It's so strange to realize it was me. But not quite me. I tried to take pictures on myself where I would smile but I was going through so much and hurting myself in many ways. Seriously I had some balls to get out of it and although I always think like I'm not doing enough and I should be already much further with my goals, I think that around 12 years of going from one abuse to another surely teaches you a thing or two. So I was busy doing that. Then there is learning that comes afterwards. The whole transformation of self. It is weird to think about her now. When I think about it I feel sorry for how much she had to go to become me. But also quite proud. I thought: you girl, you came a long way.
The question remains: What's next?