It seemed like such an important topic at the time. I am definitely in a different, better place right now. Am I totally healed? Am I on the other side? Above and beyond? Is there even such a thing? I wonder if childhood demons are still waiting to hunt me down and torment me. It's ok to shed a tear of nostalgia. Will it drag me to the ground? I seriously don't think so. Will I still find my family toxic and prefer to avoid it than stretch my patience out of pride, to challenge myself and see how much shit I can take? Probably, yes. I am currently not talking to anyone in my family. It is highly unfortunate and of course I would prefer things to be different but no one ever gained anything on dwelling how they wish the things to be different.
There is perhaps a little hope that for the sake of old days I will reconcile with my dear brother. I do miss our old days. Over the years things have changed so much that all is left between us are the memories. I hope he finds his happiness and perhaps a place for me in it. Having influenced so much of my world, he deserves a story on his own, I will tell you next time.
...Yes but would you have been ready to listen back then? Caught myself middle thought as always. I'm assuming I was thinking about all the time I wasted not realizing that all I had to do was to grow up. My circumstances for growing up were not ideal but they rarely ever are. Whatever I went through was a necessary process I had to go through in order to become who I am now. It taught me lessons nothing and no one else could teach me. It gave me perspective from which I was ready to receive whatever happened next. To become who I am now I would go through all of it all over again.
I realize I have to forgive them at some point just like we would forgive a cat that kills a mouse - he just does what he thinks is best. Have I just compared my mum to a cat? Oh dear. So none of the martyrdom forgiveness of a weekend saint, you just let that shit go. You let it go. And then you let it go again. It's not you, it never was. They gave you a very heavy baggage that you are now free to leave behind. Don't give it to someone else, just leave it. And it’s our mission in this life to let go of their shit and discover who we really are. It hurts and it’s hard and sometimes it’s work of a lifetime. But it’s gonna be worth it. If it's the only thing you're going to do with your life, it's still going to be worth it. Just think about it: a child comes to this world without neurosis, emotional habits, defense mechanism - we can't survive on our own, that's why we need parents and that's through them and later through social interactions that we learn how to protect ourselves from potential dangers. There is so much data that we have to digest and as a little creature, we assimilate it quickly and without critical judgement. We don't question our parents. Group pressure that comes later also exists for a reason. Later in life we experience the need to express our individual potential and that doesn't always work well with what we've been thought, that's how the inner conflict appears. The need to fit in vs the need to stand out. Conformism vs individualism.
One thing I really want to find out. I want to remember who I was before I started using other peoples beliefs as my own. I want to know who I am underneath all this.