One night, some time ago. All the feelings I haven't dealt with kept coming back. I'm so scared of being abandoned and forgotten.
I was always afraid of time, passing so quickly without us having any control over it.
It was paralyzing. I thought I would always stay young or at least I will be better prepared for different stages in life. They always come too early, unannounced. The realization of moment passing and the awareness of death was something that kept me company for as long as I can remember. That's probably why I developed such a desire for truth, authenticity and excellence. Let me tell you, the awareness of death doesn't make you the most popular kid at school. I always wanted to search deeper, never satisfied with the surface of the matter. I was also very afraid. I saw time as an inevitable reaper you constantly have to struggle against. Not the best mindset for long term planning or decision making. I was frozen most of my life, unable to make up my mind.
I never knew it was gonna happen. I forgot a lot of things since I'm an adult. As a kid i remembered so much more. Well, i had less to remember. But now some memories seem so blurry. I took for granted the gift of memory. I wish I could freeze every moment, every smell, every glimpse of the mood, hanging heavily in the air. That's what I would call it. The Mood, or The Atmosphere. Ambiance. I had no one word for it and my deepest desire is that someone understands what I'm talking about. This thing that makes you look at your life like you're watching a movie, yet you are very much a part of it. You are all the things. It's almost like you can breathe through plants and other people and everything there is. It is not the smell, but smell helps. It is not the light, but light plays a big part. It is many things. It is deja vu, but it is more than it. For a moment, things just are, they just hang and you wish you could grasp it and transform it. I wish I could put it in a secret box. I used to have many pretty boxes with secret treasures in them. Buttons, shells, stones, stamps, pins, jewelry. Where did that all go? I can only hope that it didn't disappear in the black hole of our basement. We used to put there things that we no longer needed or toys we stopped playing with but for some reason still wanted to keep. Every now and then I would need something back only to realize it is nowhere to be found. Somehow no one touched it, no one trashed it, it was right there all this time and suddenly - puff! - disappeared. It happened many times and I'm afraid it will have to remain one of my childhood's greatest mysteries. As we find out, there was quite a few of them. Inevitably, I must have thrown couple of things away.
One day I will go back to Poland on the mission. I will go back to my childhood home and bring everything back. There is couple of rare books I need to dig out and make sure they come with me. My favorite plush toys, that were my first army protecting me from evil of this world and helping me fight the injustice. Old jewelry from my mum I was too young to wear. A magical mirror from my grandmother. And a lot, a lot of trinket boxes. Small, big, wooden, plastic, ceramic, metal. Boxes full of secrets and memories. Open one of them and let us travel in time.