It's interesting how much we can change even in a very short time. Since this year has been pretty intense, no wonder I went through a little more than just one breakthrough. I have been denying myself self expression throughout the years. Every now and then I want to resurrect little pieces of my story, share them so I can let go of them. What is also important is to notice, that we are not just our thoughts. That we can choose different thoughts and the patterns are not here to stay. Sometimes the change occurs organically, the other times you need to give it a little push and have a strategy in order for it to occur. It is always quicker if you bring awareness and take control over the process. If there is anything we can control in this world, it is definitely ourselves.
Not so long ago I wrote to someone: "You know how people say learn first to love yourself, then you will find someone. I'm not sure if it's true. First of all there is many people who have a whole lot of work to do about themselves and somehow they are in a couple - some in not so happy ones but so are the ones that's seem not so disturbed - and some in actually quite happy ones.
Secondly, loving yourself is a process, so you can never say you're there, it's not a destination once reached will open romantic possibilities, I don't know what to believe and I don't know why I always end up alone regardless my efforts or lack of them. Especially youth is "supposed to be" time when we are happy enjoying life. I don't want to find love on a deathbed.
Also how you have to be happy with yourself, etc. - I love my time alone and I try to treat myself kindly but sometimes I'm sick of walking everywhere alone - even antisocial types like me are social creatures in the end, like all humans - isolation is unhealthy. I want to share not just listen to my own thoughts and voice. And I guess social media tries to be an outlet for all that but it's obviously not sufficient."
Since I can remember I was walking through life looking for love. A lot of my actions were motivated by the need to fill that painful void. Wasting my time with the wrong people just to feel a little bit better or not to think about my loneliness. Giving importance to trivial relations just not to ask myself the questions I have no answers for. Every day was a fight against that. When it comes I let myself feel the emptiness and loneliness and treat myself with compassion. One day I won't travel on my own anymore. But there is no one in this world who will take care of me. I have stopped looking for that person and although it sounds grim at first glance, it's the most beautiful, liberating feeling. I am not planning on becoming single the rest of my days. I am just happy to wait and see what life brings in the meantime. After all, I really love the life I'm creating for myself.
I have decided to become the person I would fall in love with and treat myself this way. I can look up to myself, please, care for and surprise myself. I can be here for myself. Now I know I have me and I am never ever leaving myself alone.
Until next time,