I stayed up very late last night, which means I had more of a brunch than a breakfast. That must change. I have always been a night creature. Night is so peaceful, quiet and full of hope and magic. The world becomes a little less of a noisy place and that’s when dreams have the space to express themselves. I feel on top of the world. All my goals seem so real and attainable. The next morning I wake up tired and late with everything, feeling like death, as if I've been drunk with my dreams. My plans to take over the world seem ridiculous and unrealistic. I miss the opportunities that present themselves in the morning. I end up reacting to emergencies instead of acting with accordance to my will. The day goes by faster and I feel out of balance. I tend to always fall back into the night where I seem to find the greatest inspiration. Every now and then I like to remind myself how magical and beautiful early mornings can be. Sometimes I abandon the darkness and wake up with the first rays of sun to experience the world differently. I’m really happy to be doing this. Finally I feel there is an outlet for me to express myself and share with the world. We are living in extraordinary times, for better or worse. I know I won’t stop and I believe 100% that this is what I’m supposed to be doing. Taking pictures, writing and sharing my perspective is something that always made me happy. Soon I stopped, there was something missing. I didn’t realize that that’s what it was for a long time. What is interesting that sometimes we have to let ourselves be happy. We’re waiting for the right moment or perfect circumstances, making all sorts of excuses, forgetting how much we actually enjoy the process.
I am writing every day in my journal. It comes easy to me. I had many journals as a very young girl but somehow I always ended up forgetting about it – I felt like there was either not enough happening or there was so much going on that I couldn’t keep up with the writing. I always had a reader in mind, even it was a private diary. Always thought what if someone finds it after I'm gone. There was a certain feeling of responsibility to it - I need to make this life meaningful and leave something behind, the record of this human's thoughts and feelings during this journey.
I have decided to take that habit of daily thought spillage into online world and my projects. I will project on you my fear of disappearing in hope to create something bigger than myself. Hopefully you will find it amusing and entertaining.
Another thing I’m working on is talking to the camera. I decided to spend some time every day filming myself until it completely stops bothering me – to be perfectly honest I still get quite nervous, even when I’m by myself. Do you find it strange? Vlogging in public is a completely next level thing for me but one day I will get there. For now it sounds like a special place in hell for socially awkward. Why to feel nervous on your own? I am absolutely sure all my neighbors are eavesdropping when I say “Hi guys!” seven times in a row. It does, however, get better and I'm even likely to admit I get certain pleasure out of it. I might blush when I say that.
I have also been shooting a lot - I have a strange feeling my eyes and brain started to collaborate in a new way. I discover new ways to look at things through the lens. Looks like despite the obstacles and the state of questionable harmony I am pushing through some productivity. Can't wait to show you more.
Until next time,