And so it begins. I decided to face the pain and the excitement of new beginnings and start the adventure that’s been waiting for me for far too long. Today I am packing my perfectionism in a box and getting it a one-way ticket to the void of Cosmos. My name is Aleksandra Veleno. I am an artist, restless explorer, curious traveler, occultist and a dreamer. Dark Curiosity is my corner of the Internet to share with you my journey and my passion for living a magical life. I love discovering the mysteries of the human psyche, planning adventures and creating my own reality.
My purpose here is to cultivate curiosity, creativity and imagination. I want to inspire and help you create a life full of wonder.
Writing, making things, plotting and investigating were my natural states of being as a young explorer of the world. Unfortunately, we all have to face our hells, big or small and not all of us come out on the other side. I was busy learning life the hard way and It took me years to remember who I was. I lost a lot of time, money, energy, made a lot of poor decisions. How else could we learn? We all wish we were younger with today’s experience. But there is only one direction this life is going and the time is limited, so at some point I had to decide not to live one more second in an imaginary story that doesn’t serve me. It’s a choice.
I got lost many, many times. I wasn’t enough. I was looking for approval and gratification outside of myself. I left home early, started working, looking for independence – not only from my parents but from the system, be it a job or a social group. Unfortunately, without developing independent thinking, we become a slave to our own rebellion – we exist in opposition to. It’s not freedom yet. I got involved with ill-willed people, pushed the boundaries of my own morality and let myself be exploited to the point of disappearing. Some lessons had to be learnt several times. Some are yet to be learnt.
I let myself being a side note in other people’s stories and was frantically looking for the love and reassurance that in fact were within me the entire time. I was looking for permission and validation of my existence in this world. I wanted to get it right. Cause there must be the ultimate way to win in life, when in the end you get a diploma approved by all the imaginary authorities you’ve ever come across, which grants you a ticket to a place where you can eat candy till the end of time and never get fat…(however, when I think about it…)
Deep down I always knew there is something better, higher than a mere existence of go to school-study-get a job-get a house-reproduce-die. Don’t forget to complain all the way. Since I can remember I wanted to know everything. I called it a Faust complex. I don’t think I knew what complex meant at the time, but it stuck. To my brother’s horror, as a little girl I used to borrow books from him not one by one, but in piles. How could I pick just one thing? Dinosaurs, cosmos, anatomy and a little illustrated bible for the youth. Hell yeah. I would pull out a rug, surround myself with knowledge and imagine I’m unveiling the deepest secrets of the Universe.
I wanted more. I wanted to become a genius (no pressure), I wanted to become the absolute best version of myself. So, I immersed myself in everything that could get me there. Religion, mythology, parapsychology, paranormal phenomena, psychology, self help, occultism, neurolinguistics programming, whatever I could lay my hands on. I would read and read and discover, explore, forget, lose myself and find myself again. I had a feeling that all these things are part of one and the same thing, disguised in different robes. Later I discovered that these thoughts were not original, which was both a disappointment and a relief. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t a genius either.
It is hard for me not to open all the memory boxes in my head and tell you a story of my life right now. We would need a long winter night, some mulled wine and a fireplace. We will do that. But today I just wanted to introduce myself and invite you for an adventure.
It’s been a long time since I was called to do this. You see, if something keeps calling you, make sure you answer this call. No matter how scared you are to face it, it will always find you, despite the distractions you put in front of yourself. There is a chance that you will never feel happy and fulfilled unless you decide to answer the call and follow through.
I had many different ideas, highly influenced by the people I followed and admired. I wanted to be “like them”. Since I was inspired by many different personalities, I couldn’t decide which mask to put on. I got hanged up on this, instead of cultivating my own, unique self. I wanted the green light from the universe, a sign that “that’s it”. I was endlessly asking for advice, torturing everyone who would listen with my self-inflicted dilemmas. I would turn and turn in circles to the point of boiling my brain until I found another fascination to consume me.
I started many times and got off the track. I kept holding myself back. Fear of failure, fear of success, procrastination, feeling of inadequacy, does it sound familiar? I thought I didn’t have enough knowledge to pass things on, I didn’t want to show my ignorance and a lack of experience. I kept reading and learning, always finding gaps in my education and understanding of the world. Maybe if I just read this one more book, if I listen to this one talk, if I watch this one documentary. There is no end to this.
It’s been years. YEARS. I was thinking, who am I to say all this, I am but an enthusiastic ignorant, entangled in my own reality. I didn’t feel ready. Years went by and I still wasn’t ready.
There is no such thing as ready. You can’t figure things out in your head. The embarrassment of the first attempts, making a complete fool of yourself, getting it all wrong is just part of the process. There is no way around it. The only thing you really should be ready for is to fail. It’s a decision, to be ready to mess up over and over follow through regardless.
I had to realize that despite my big ego this is not only about me – who cares if I sound stupid for someone if there is someone else who might need to hear my words at that very moment? Keeping the experience to myself will never help anyone. Just how I don’t believe in art without the audience. Given that, who are we NOT TO express ourselves?
The truth is, no one has it all figured out. No one. We are all fellow travelers through this Thing. We are all blind, we are all limited by our background, conditioning, experience, senses and language, desperately trying to describe the elephant in the room. You can never be ready. It will be you, life, circumstances, wrong planet alignment, anything. There is no such thing as the right moment. There is just The Will to follow through despite. We are all just winging it.
During my research and self-exploration I discovered a lot of mind blowing concepts and I made a rookie mistake of going crusading with good news, trying to contaminate my loved ones with freshly acquired knowledge. You won’t achieve much doing so.
Chances are, you will end up frustrated – how can they be so blind? – and annoy the shit out of your friends.
I was obviously just trying to help, however I found out that its unproductive. I decided that the only thing I can do is be an example of what I really believe and share my adventures with those who actively show interest. The ideas come and go and everyone has a right to write their own story.
This is the place for me to share with you everything I’ve learnt and experienced over the course of my life. Maybe some of you will find there a reflection of their own struggle. Maybe I will seem from a different planet. Whatever I say, I’m not an oracle. In fact, I am most probably wrong about many things. I simply ask myself the same questions that many of us do and want to share my reflections hoping that I you will find it useful and inspiring. Treat it as an invitation to discuss and learn about different realities that we face.
It is also a creative expression of who I am and who I am becoming. I see life as a creative process, as an on going artistic pursuit. Artist has also a shamanic responsibility as someone who walks between realms, to transform the symbols via medium into universal message. I want to live my life intentionally, with a sense of purpose and fulfilment. Let me introduce you to my world and what inspires me.
As I explore the neighborhood, travel or move around, I shift the perspective and learn so much. I hope you will join me on my endless walks and awake your own curiosity. Sometimes the greatest mysteries are just round the corner.
We can’t fully predict how it’s going to evolve. I already have more projects to come. Whether they’re going to be incorporated into this or evolve into something separate, time will show. Let it be a starting point.
I want to invite you on this journey and share my passions with you. Fasten your seatbelt and enjoy!
There is no way back. Once you’re on the road, you’ll never be home again unless you’re moving forward. The curiosity that awakens will drag you through the dangerous lands, psychedelic landscapes be it of your own mind or the world around you.
Until next time,